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Nov. 23rd, 2008

Trouble with Fairy Tales

For the last several weeks I have been depressed. There has been a lot going on with me. First I have been having some health issues that are finally starting to clear up. I found out that I have a BENIGN fatty tumor on my neck that I plan on having removed once I get up the courage to do it. So due to having to miss work for doctors appointments, etc. My finances have not been all that great.
But the depression has set in for other reasons too. First I haven't heard from my long time friend Aaron. Let me explain who Aaron is first of all. Many years ago, when I was still involved with the United Methodist Church and I was planning on becoming a UMC minister, and dealing with my big dark secret of being gay. I met Aaron at a church youth retreat. The first time I saw him I thought I had just seen an angel (yeah I know that sounds cheesy or cliche) but thats how I felt. He was tall, blond, big blue eyes, and model good looks. He had a nice toned body, and I found out he lived on a farm. Needelss to say a gay man's dream. But Aaron and I became fast friends and I felt an instant connection with him. A year later I found myself in love with him. When I came out, the church was shocked, Aaron went away to school. We kept in touch via email or phone calls, but I haven't SEEN Aaron in almost ten years. Now for two months I haven't heard from him, no calls, no emails. He is married now but I have no idea how he is.

I have also been depressed about not having a boyfriend. Here in Portsmouth if you are a gay man it is very hard to meet other gay guys. I have posted personal ads and found that to be a eye opening experience. Not all, but MOST of the gay man in this area do not want a serious long term, loving relationship. They want one night stands, random sex with strangers, etc. Sorry not into that. Now don't get me wrong. Have I made mistakes...oh yea. But I have learned from them.

People have called me old fashioned. That I want to meet a nice guy, go on dates, fall in love, have a family, and grow old with somone. Is that too much to ask. I don't think so.

But here I am a 33 year old gay guy who is sweet, loving, responsible, would never cheat on anyone, funny, outgoing, and all I seem to run into are guys who want nothing more than sex...well Im not falling for that one.

When I was a little boy my favorite fairy tale was Beauty & the Beast. The idea that Beauty could look beyond the ugliness of the Beast and see the prince within(way before the spell was lifted) always made me happy, gave me hope, made me believe in love. Now please know that what I am about to say is not me putting my self down or a case of low self esteem, its just me being realistic.
I know that I am not a drop dead gorgeous guy(on the outside). I am never gonna be asked to model for Calvin Klein, I don't make jaws drop by my looks. I think I am cute, but Im not a model or actor(unfortunatly, a lot of people want you to be before they will even talk to you...gay, straight, whatever).
But sometimes I wonder if I will ever meet a guy that can look beyond what is on the outside and look at my soul, my heart, the prince within.



Blessed be and Love,

Oct. 23rd, 2008

Had some sex and other witchy news

Well here I am again finally posting something to my Live Journal. I don't keep up with it as much as I should. I know that part of the reason for that is my job, which is to be honest I am looking for another job. The one I currently have with AT&T is honestly a great job, the pay is great, good benefits, but hearing people gripe, complain, bitch, and yell about their service or their phones aren't working the way they want them too, or because they don't know how to care for their phones but want to blame someone else has gotten old. Its just a very stressful job in that respect. I would have to say that 85% of the calls I get at work is a customer complaining about something.
Anyway...I haven't posted anything concerning my last post in a while so I feel that I should do that. About a week or so after my last post I ran into a guy I used to work with named Brandon. There was a psychic fair going on at our local metaphysical shop here in Portsmouth and I was doing readings when Brandon showed up. Brandon was something that I had gotten to know pretty well when we worked together, always thought he was cute but he had a bf, that evening he and went and got something to eat and hung out. To make a long story short he and I had sex. I felt comfortable with him, felt safe with him, and of course we used protection. But it was just nice being with someone that I felt comfortable and safe with. And yes it was "random sex". Brandon and I have no intention of our friendship becoming more than that...but it was a very good time for both of us.
I think that is what was bothering me the most about people saying all of that crap to me about sex and stuff. I felt like I was being told that it some duty as a gay man that I was to just have random sex all the time. Sorry Bennie cannot just do that. I have to be attracted to the person, not feel like I am being used as a sex toy(if people want sex toys they can go to their adult book store or go online, or whatever), and I have to feel safe with the person.
So anyone who disagrees with my views on sex can either get over it and mind their own business or kiss my cute little Irish gay ass. Because I am not going to let my self get worked up like I did when the whole crap started.

As for the Erishigal message I received at BTW I am still very much lost on that. I have meditated and tried to find answers and I am still in the dark about what it was she meant by me "living as if I am already dead" . If anyone has any insight or advice please feel free to share.





Sep. 25th, 2008

GhostBusters on Broomsticks

I wanted to post and tell everyone what happened last night. My best friend and official Flame Dame(I don't like the term Fag Hag too much...mainly because I hate the word "Fag" so I use Flame Dame I think its cuter or Fairy Dust...I think they are cuter) Tracy is moving into her new apartment which is right under ours. Tracy is 47 years old and a former Reg. Nurse several years ago she had a heart attack and has been on disability for years. Her husband Charles is in horrible health, on dyalasis treatments 3 times a week...and due to the financial hardships of being on disability they are losing their house which has went into foreclosure. So we talked with our landlord and she was able to get the apartment below us before they are homeless. Anyway...

Last night Tracy moved a small amount of stuff in...and saw a woman in the hallway of the apartment. So she called me down there and I did my psychic mojo along with Shane and my student Jason. THe spirit was a young woman who died in the early 1900s. After some time we found that it was time for her to move on. So I pulled together a ritual to send any unwanted or harmful spirits from the apartment into the white light. So it was Tracy, Jason, Shane, Jarrod, and I. I invoked Gwydion and Hecate, asking Hecate as Queen of Witches and of the Crossroads to guide the spirits into the light. Well lets just say that it was a pretty powerful ritual. THe air in the apartment was totally different after words.  I just love being a witch!

Well I gotta run and do my hair and head to hell...OH!...I mean um work;) hehe.

Blessed BE

Aug. 29th, 2008

Long overdue Post....

I know its been a very long time since I have posted anything to my live journal....to all of my friends I am sorry. I want to be honest. I guess you can say that I have been distracted the last couple of months....there has been a lot going on. I have been really busy with work, my schedule changed and I have been coming home, getting a bite to eat, and then honestly I have been reading a lot. I haven't been interested in getting online that much. Sure I'll check email, maybe get online and check out a few sites, but for the most part I have been uninterested.  
Ive been going to a new doctor who actually placed me on something temporarily for my depression. And that has been helping quite a bit. On September 5th I have to go to a Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor to have this lump that I have had for a few months checked out. My new doctor checked it and she was like "Well thats not a lymph node...that is one of your salivary glands. Which probably means that at some point I got an infection in it, and my former doctor just chalked it up as a lymph node due to sinuses and allergies. So I will probably have to either be placed on some type of medicine for that specifically or have it surgically taken care of...YAY! But I have to say that I am not worried about it. I feel that the Goddess and God has that in their hands. 
I have also been teaching a friend of mine. His name is Jason, a straight guy from Portsmouth. He is really great because he actually wants to learn the Craft and is totally dedicated to his studies. 
I have also been helping my Best friend Tracy with some issues that she has been having. Her house is currently in a foreclosure status and she has been working with the bank, etc. trying to save it. BUT at the same time..with her husband's illness, etc. She is considering just moving. The expense of the house, fixing it up, etc. they can't really afford it. So thats been a bit rough for her and her husband...so I have just been there to support them. 

All in all things are going okay. I am looking forward to BTW this year. It is just going to be so good to get back to Wisteria....to be in nature, to be with my friends and brothers at BTW. I am going to be teaching a class on Psychic defense. I just hope to really have a good time this year. I want to experience new things at BTW this year. Actually let go a bit and enjoy myself. 


Well I gotta go clock back in for work. Blessed be everyone:)

Jul. 3rd, 2008

Its been awhile....

I know that it has been a while since I have posted anything on LJ. I have been a little preoccupied I guess. I have been dealing with a few health concerns. First I have been having chronic sinus/allergy stuff for a while now..well then I developed a swollen lymph node. Needless to say I freaked out. I went to two doctors both of which checked me over and feel that it is just a swollen lymph node. The second doctor which is my family doctor gave me more antibiotics to take. And the lymph node is getting smaller. But the day that I went to him, I have to admit, from the direction of my therapist I asked him about antidepressants. He proceeded to tell me the following.

"You don't need antidepressants. Your Mother is in Heaven, she's dead, get over it, accept it, and work in this life to get to where she is. You also need to find something to devote your life to. " Even though he didnt come out and say "You need to find Jesus" thats what he was getting to. So I am now looking for a new doctor.

I have been teaching a guy named Jason the Craft for the last couple of weeks. He's a straight boy in college. Really nice guy and eager to learn. It surprised me actually that he asked me. So thats been going good.

Other than that nothing too much has changed. I am still waiting for my stimilus check which was lost in the mail. I called the IRS and they are tracing it. Which should take about a month before they issue me another check. So now I am trying to come up with the money to attend BTW. My car needs a new fuel pump so we are working on that too. And as for work. Well with gas prices the way that they are I am trying to find another job closer to home.

With all of this stuff going on. I am honestly trying to keep myself in good spirits, not worry about anything, and just go with the flow.

love and light,
Bennie

Jun. 4th, 2008

Blah....

I've been feeling a little blah lately. My schedule at work has changed to where I am working Monday-Friday, and now have Saturday and Sundays off. Which is awesome but kinda sucks too. I have gotten used to have Wed. off and now not having that one day in the middle of the week off is kinda hard to get used to. 
On top of that I have been, for the last week, battling an infection. Last Wed I went to the doctor because for the last sev. months I have been having sinus/allergy problems....which has made a lymph node in my neck swell. The lymph node is right under my chin close to my adams apple. Needless to say when I discovered it I freaked out. 

The doctor feels that it is just from the sinus and allergies so he has me on antibiotics and Allegra D for the sinus and stuff. Okay I admit it I can be a bit of a hypocondriac(or however you spell it haha). But only when I actually have something wrong. Of course going online to WEBMD doesn't help much either. So Ive been watching it, it seems to be slowly going down but not at the speed that I would like. So I have been doing a lot of Reiki on myself, and just asking folks to send me healing energy etc. I went to my therapist last week. I have going to her for a while now talking over issues dealing with my Mom's death and just other issues. She feels that I honestly need some time off from work as I have been having a lot of drama going on in my life the last several months. So she made an appointment with him for June 20th to see if I can actually get placed on Short Term Leave(which I do get paid for). 

Then this week all 3 of my roommates are gone visiting family or friends. So that means I am coming home from work, taking care of the animals(3 cats and one dog). And of course cleaning the house, doing dishes that were left by the others, making sure the rent is mailed out, etc. 

Anyway...sorry to post such a down post...I guess Im just a little depressed but trying to be hopeful too. 

Love,
Bennie 

May. 27th, 2008

At the Crossroads.....


Its almost 2am and I am sitting here at my computer when I should actually be in bed, but I know that I won't be able to actually sleep until I write this. This morning when I woke up I went through my normal routine. I got up, fed Sebastian(my beautiful black cat and familiar), took a shower, got dressed, and all of that stuff but in the midst of all of that I felt a little down. I was getting ready for a job that I am very thankful and grateful for, but that I am not happy doing. I got to be honest this post is going to seem a bit scatterd but that is how I guess I am feeling on some levels.
    I have been thinking a lot about my past and today I realized that throughout my life thus far I have stood at the crossroads. I have had to stand there and choose which path to take regardless of what lied ahead.
    When I was 13 years old I realized that I like boys. Now at the time I had never heard the term "gay", but I knew that I liked boys. At 16 I started going to a church, partly because I had been molested by a guy at my school the year before, but mostly because I felt a 'calling' to spirituality and to God. At 17 I felt "called" to ministry and began the plans to become a Methodist minister, the whole time carrying the secret of being gay and feeling like God loved me but hated who I was at the same time. And knowing that if my friends knew my horrible secret than they would feel the same.
    Then I met him...this beautiful blond angel and he became my best friend, and soon I fell in love with him. The lying and the secrets became too much, the hurt became too much and again I stood at the crossroads. Do I keep lying about being gay and follow through with the lies? or Do I be honest with myself, God, and everyone else? or Do I just do nothing? I chose to be honest. I lost friends, left the church, and began dealing with a broken heart.
    I then began experiencing my psychic gifts stronger than before and soon began studying under a psychic and a witch. And again there I was at the crossroads....thinking "What the F*ck am I doing?" But something felt....right. I studied for years and was a member of two covens(which to this day I feel was a good thing and bad thing all rolled into one) I met some very good friends but also dealt with a lot of drama and stupid crap.
    I had my gifts, magick, talents, ethics, choices, questioned. I had people use me because I was good at healing work. Even had people use my psychic ablilities when it was convienent or useful for them, only to deny them or criticise them when my impressions about someone, some place, or whatever interferred with what they wanted.
    I recently had to stop being friends with two ladies who I did care about because of some of those reasons. I know that some people would say that I did it because someone told me to. No...I did it because it was the right thing for ME to do...again I stood at the crossroads and looked for the light in the darkness to guide the way.
    A year ago at Between the Worlds I felt that Hecate was calling out to me. Her pressence seemed to find me everywhere I went, in every class, every ritual, everywhere. When I grieved for my Mom who passed away in 2006 I felt her there. Its no surprise that she was calling out to me...she is the Goddess who stands at the crossroads and beckons for us to follow her. I realize now that my whole life she has been calling me just as the God has been calling me.
    So now I find myself standing at the crossroads yet again...waiting for her torch to light the way. I have some major choices to make about my life on all levels. I have new health concern that just popped up, financial concerns, and of course spiritual concerns or questions. Like for example how to make my life as a witch, a Reiki Master and Teacher, a psychic, a teacher, etc my career? Im serious. I realize now THAT is what I want but also need and what I am being called to do.
So again I stand at the crossroads....and wait for Her to beckon me to follow.

Blessed Be,
Fenix

May. 9th, 2008

Gas Prices and the state of my wallet

First, I don't want to complain nor do I want t sound pessimistic. I am a firm believer that our thoughts are powerful. Our thoughts can be used to create, heal, and unfortunatly to attack. And as a witch I think it is very important to be conscious of how we think, what we think about, how we think about ourselves and others, etc. If you all haven't read it yet...take a look at Christopher's book "The Witches' Sheild" ...talks a lot about this. Anyway....on to what I don't want to sound pessimistic about. 

The last several months I have been struggling financially. Now most of this is because in the past I have been stupid with money. I admit that, its my fault, no one elses. I used credit cards sometimes to buy things I didn't really need, I have a car that I am paying a lot for. But there were also times in the past when I had to go into debt. There were times when I had to use credit cards or not eat, used credit cards to pay bills that I didn't have the money to pay(keep in mind before I started working for AT&T I use to work for Wal-Mart...needless to say....Wal-mart didn't pay me hardly anything an hour and was the worst job I EVER had) And then of course I had student loans..which I am paying back now until classes for grad school start in October. Anyway....the last couple of months have been rough. 

Gas prices are killing me/us. I know that everyone in our country are struggling with gas prices, to be honest I think in some ways almost everyone in our country are struggling financially. I am doing a lot of magick for prosperity not only for myself but just for the country. 

I have been trying to find a way to make extra money. My current work schedule doesn't really allow time for me to have an actual part time job. I have Wed. and Sundays off. And I have been searching the internet for these online jobs....most of which are huge scams. So Im just a little frustrated I guess. I am coming to BTW this year....just waiting on the stimulus check from the government. Anyway....there's my rant for today. 

I love you guys sorry for the icky post but I just had to get my aggrivation out.  Love and Blessed Be



May. 5th, 2008

Just a random posting.....

I just wanted to come on and post something, as I haven't done so in a while. I am sitting here in the internet cafe at work, waiting to clock in to start work, and really wishing that I was at home.  Don't get me wrong. I am VERY thankful for my job and there are things that I enjoy about it. BUT.....its not what I want to do the rest of my life. I have been looking online for a new job and I honestly think that I would be able to find Ameilia Earhart easier. My biggest headache right now is money issues. I am trying very hard to pay off a lot of debt that I have..(ie. student loans, credit cards) and with gas prices the way that they are its hard to make ends meet. My job pays very well...but when you take rent, bills, and then buying gas to get back and forth for work(I drive 45mins each way 5 days a week) its not easy. 
I have even tried to find something online to do as a part time job, but most of things you can do online to make money is a scam. I can't get an actual part time job because with my current work schedule, I only get Wed. and Sundays off and most places want a more opened schedule. So I am having to budget like never before. Which I know that all of us Americans are doing that. But the God and Goddess provides.

I have been working on my book. I have had a few people express interest to me to teach them Reiki and psychic development and so forth...which is exciting. After the recent drama the boys and I had it seems like things are starting to calm down. I know that I have never felt more grounded. Its all about balance...something that I have been learning more and more recently. My psychic ablilities are growing as well. I have started having precognitive experiences, when in past I normally had more retrocognitive(sensing the past of a place, person, etc). So thats cool:).

But anyway...well I gotta go clock in and fix people's cell phones:) Love and miss you all.

 

Bennie "Fenix"

Apr. 14th, 2008

Its Monday again......

I was woke up this morning by my baby kitty Sebastian meowing in my ear at 7am, he was wanting fed. Now I don't mind this because he is my baby, but on top of that I have one of those sinus headaches. ugh. And of course I am here at work in our computer lab with ten minutes before I have to clock in. I work from 12pm to 9 today. 

I have Wednesday off today and they are saying that it is gonna be in the 60s so I am planning on packing a picnic lunch and going out to the forest to meditate, hike, and just have some me and God and Goddess, nature time. (Sighs) that just sounds lovely. 

This weekend was pretty good. I had some continued drama with the incident that I posted about last. But I got a chance to talk with Christopher on the phone yesterday which was fantastic. I am just so looking forward to seeing all of you again hopefully soon. I would love to do something before BTW. 

love ya all,
Bennie "Fenix" 

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